Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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