I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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