I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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