I want to stick my p in your. b.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
