Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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