I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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