He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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