O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
