Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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