The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
