I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My ass is underappreciated
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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