He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
