my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
