I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
