somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
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He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
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someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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