I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
