can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize