Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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