Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
