My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
