the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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