yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
