clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
