woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
