I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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