a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
