There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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