im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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