I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Who died my cat blue again?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
