it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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