She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
