I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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