the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
