I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
