I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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