We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize