My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
