Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
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Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
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the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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