My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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