Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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