She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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