my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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