What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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