I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
