I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
