I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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