i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
