Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
