I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
