I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
