stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
