my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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