I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
