I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
