turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
